3x01

*Tons of spoilers here, cats and cat-ettes*

Okay, this one goes out to all my fans out there (both of you) as THE
RECAP RETURNS:

Remember the last season of 24? It seems like yesterday, doesn't it?
How could any of us forget? Jack was faced to make a fateful
decision...would he give the final necklace to Sarah, who had been
revealed to have a secret double-life as a bondage/foot-fetish model
and actress; or would he instead pick the more down-to-earth Zora.
After revealing that he was NOT, in fact, a millionaire after all,
Jack stunned the nation by picking the wholesome Zora and picking up
a check for a cool million...no, wait...that wasn't 24 at all was it?
No, that was that OTHER show on FOX. The one with the butler. No, 24
ended with Palmer's palm getting greased with some not-so-cool
Presidente killin' super-toxin...

And so, in true Ghostbusters II style, we pick up "three years
later..." Oh what a difference three years can make, eh?

We open Day 3: Hour One with Jack "Captain America" Bauer and his
sidekick Bucky Barnes trottin' down to the Mayberry jail to have
themselves a little chit-chat with a drug dealer Jack has nailed
during all this time that we didn't get to watch his every move. It
seems drug-dealer Sleez-izar wants to sign a Hanibal Lector-esque
deal to get himself a better view (and hopefully a better haircut)
but, in true 24 fashion, it's all just a ruse. No sooner has Sleez-
izar signed off on the big deal than he uses his pen to stab his
lawyer through the throat and kill him deader than Gregory Peck. Yes,
gentle viewers, we have just been introduced to "completely
disposable character number one." Believe me, he will be the first in
a long, long line. This is 24 and if there's one truism about this
show, it's this: Anybody can die. At any time.

Anyways, as Cap and Bucky soon learn, a body has been dropped off at
disease control containing one of them-there nasty diseases that
can't really be controlled. It's all connected to Sleez-izar and his
drug empire, natch. And the drug empire is connected to...you guessed
it...terrorism! Cap and Bucky rush back to CTU as the pieces begin to
fall into place. The disease control folks crunch some numbers, or
some microbes, or whatever it is they crunch, and conclude that the
virus will wipe out about 10 percent of the L.A. population in almost
exactly...well, let's call it 24 hours. That sound good for
everybody? 24 hours? Yeah, that sounds good. Bing-a-boom, bing-a-
bang, we have a niftly little set-up for Season 3 of 24. But...as you
already guessed...there's even more to the story as...THE PLOT
THICKENS...

Meanwhile, over on All The Presidents Men...

Prez Palmer has indeed survived the assasination attempt. He's in the
process of running for re-election and his brother is now his numero-
uno right hand man. The Prez is as well dressed and well spoken as
ever, but wait! He's also now under the care of Doctor Quinn Medicine
Woman and he seems to be a bit shaky. We learn that Sherry the Bitch
who Killed the Bitch from Hell and took her place is apparently out
of the pic and Doc Quinn and the Prez have apparently been makin' wit
da inter-racial love. That's about all the significant details so far
out of the Palmer Camp, the really interesting stuff is...

Back at CTU headquarters...

Spawn has traded in her short skirts and see through shirts (all the
men say it together, "damn!") for smart pants suits and a job as CTU
techie-type. Looks like those internet degrees really paid off for
the Spawnster but she's just gotta do something about that hair.
Somebody call the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"...um,
girl...people right away! And speaking of hot, lesbian sex...no, it
appears that there will be none of that this season after all--
earlier rumours to the contrary--as Kim is involved in a serious
(Well, for her--I mean three months and the guy isn't dead yet?
That's gotta be some kinda record, right?) with none other than
Chase "Bucky Barnes" Manhattan Bank. That's Jack's new, youthful
partner for those who weren't paying attention earlier. So, Kim's now
a CTU techie involved with Jack's young partner and...oh yeah, I
almost forgot...nobody cares. Well, actually, maybe we do this time
around...maybe just a little...a little love for Kim? Just a little?
Come on, give up the love for the Kimbo!

Jack's love life is on the rocks as he has somehow managed to totally
screw stuff up with the very hot and very rich Kate, although perhaps
all isn't completely lost as he did leave his favorite leather jacket
over there for her to have to return to him. Come on, Jack. That's
the oldest one in the book.

We also learn that Tony A. is married to Michelle B., who is now
Michelle A. since she got married to Big Tony. Everything seems to be
Kool and the Gang with these kids and Michelle seems bent (no pun
intended) on showing everyone she's got...*gasp*...boobs. Maybe
Michelle is meant to replace Kim as the official 24 sex symbol now
that Kim's gone hopelessly straight and professional?

Anyhoo..we've got a terrorist plot to get back to here!

It doesn't take long to get things rolling as Doctor Doom calls CTU
headquarters and tells them that if they don't release Sleez-izar
that he will unleash his Virus Of Death upon the world. Well, at
least the greater L.A. area. This time around, Doctor Doom is really
Sleez-izar's brother who has a really cute girlfriend who is
apparently named Clouwdia. Well, at least it isn't Maria. Actually,
I'm not entirely convinced that Brother of Sleez-izar is the REAL Doc
Doom level baddie as I'm sure there is still more to this than meets
the eye, but he does get to do neat stuff like bury truck loads of
corpses on his plantation where he raises...um, that's tobaccco,
right? Yeah, tobacco. That's the ticket.

Meanwhile, over on the OC:

We meet the new Pimply Faced Fall Guy. His dad is out of a job. His
mom is very sick and he, of course, is just trying to help out. He
helps out by crossing the border and running drugs. Little does he
know that he's just a pawn in the larger plot, being used by the
Sleezi-zar's to spread the deadliest disease this side of "The
Stand." M-o-o-n...that spells "screwed" for this kid.

And meanwhile, on the other side of the island:

We learn that Jack has done some not-so-nice things during his recent
quest to bring down the Sleezi-zar empire and infiltrate terrorist
networks across the globe. In case anyone was wondering about that
little black bag containing the needles and rubber hose...well, that
ain't a sewing kit. Nope. Can you say, Jack the Junky? Da-da-da-dum.

Only one hour in and we're already off to a rollikin' good ride.
Heck, even the commercial for the Ford-150 was pretty good. Tune in
next week for Hour #2, in which the plot will thicken even more as we
witness Jack grab his young ward by the neck and exclaim, "What the
hell do you mean you didn't wear a condom?" Don't worry, Jack. This
guy will be sleepin' with the fishes soon. This guy may have seen
three months with Kim without a scratch, but that don't matter none.
He's been lucky. It's the curse of the Kimbo, baby. Trust me. He's
doomed. Dead man walking!

Till next week, keep your feet in the stars and keep reaching for the
ground! Or...um, something. Ciao.

3x02

> Subject: 2 p.m. to 3 p.m. Hour Two OR: "Why you shouldn't date your bosses
daughter"

Well, tonight's episode was sort of like that first sexual experience
we all had in the back seat of dad's Plymouth, wasn't it? It started
out kinda slow, then sort of wandered all over the place, but man--
that climax!
Tonight on 24, we pick up with hour number two. The world is in
danger! There is a super-deadly virus about to be unleashed upon the
west coast and the agents are all busy...um, discussing their various
interpersonal relationships? Why do I feel like I just tuned into an
episode of the "Young and the Restless" by mistake? Yes, hour two
begins with...
As the CTU Turns
Does everyone remember Chase Manhattan Bank? Chase is Jack's new,
sultry young partner. The Bucky Barnes to Jack's Captain America.
Chase is our new favorite character. Everyone loves Chase, right?
Well, Kim loves Chase. Chase loves Kim. Chase secretly loves Jack.
See Jack. See Jack's needle. See Jack the junky. Yes, he's J.J. Any
minute now, he's going to do a little dance, smack his hands together
and proclaim that he is "Kid Dynoo-MITE" of the CTU ghetto. Well,
okay--maybe not. But what he IS going to do is shove his foot up
Chase's ass for mackin' on his baby girl. I mean, did Bucky date
Captain America's daughter for God's sake? Hell no! Why? Well,
probably because Captain America didn't have a daughter--but mainly
because Cap would kill Bucky's daughter-mackin' little sidekick ass!
That's why! Anyhoo...Kim wants Chase to tell Jack that they are an
item but Chase is afraid it will hurt his relationship with Jack
(Chase secretly loves Jack, remember?) but Kim feels that she
shouldn't keep things from her daddy, even though she and Chase have
been seeing each other for three freakin' months already. So Kim
tells Jack and then Jack and Chase go off to kill some drug dealers.
En route, Jack explains to Chase why he shouldn't have a relationship
with anybody because "it's the job, man! It's the job!" Maybe Jack is
secretly in love with Chase too? Jesus, where are Jake and Amanda?
Paging Heather Locklear! But just as we are about to drown in the
suds, we get some real action...
Now, you may recall that affairs of the heart aside there is a
terrorist plot that needs a-stoppin'. The CTU folks track down a lead
at a local crack house--the dude who is the go-between between
Brother of Sleez-izar and the OC kid who smuggled the coke out of
Mexico and into L.A. Except that it's not cocaine. It's a deadly
virus which Brother of Sleez-izar is using as a bargaining chip to
get Sleez-izar released from the prison. So, off they go into the
crack house. And I hope everyone noticed that they drove there in a
Ford.
Search warrants? We don't need no stinkin' search warrants. In
practically no time, guns are a-blazzin'. Jack apparently gives no
thought whatsoever to the fact that he might be killing off his
supplier while he's picking off the dopers. Jack shoots the go-
between and after a bit of persuasion, the go-between gives up the OC
kid who smuggled the coke out of Mexico and into L.A. Except that
it's not cocaine. It's a deadly virus which...oh, wait...we already
covered that part, didn't we? Jack sends Chase back to C.T.U. while
he goes off to look for the OC kid with the coke. Except that it's
not really Jack. It's a deadly virus...oh, now I'm just confusing
myself. Jack explains to Chase that he's sending him away to keep him
(Chase) out of danger because Kim loves him (Chase) and he (Jack)
can't have him (Chase) getting hurt. See, Kim loves Chase. Chase
loves Kim. Jack loves Kim (but not like THAT, I mean that's just
gross--she's his daugher, for god's sake!). Chase secretly loves
Jack.
Meanwhile, over in Oz, Sleezi-zar does his best Hanibal Lector
impersonation. He takes a beating and seems to like it. Nobody loves
Sleezi-zar.
Meanwhile, over in the OC (yes, there is quite a bit of ground to
cover tonight, isn't there?):
The OC kid (aka "The Mule") gets into a fuss with his best bud about
the coke smuggling. Except it isn't really cocaine, it's...well, you
know. Later, he pays off the back rent that his poor, sickly mom
can't afford to pay, get's down with his hot teen girlfriend, get's
in a fuss with his hot teen girlfriend about the coke smuggling thing
and just generally manages to screw everything up. When the kid
attempts to sidestep questions from mom about how he got the money to
pay the back rent, mom even manages to throw in a modified version
of "wait until your father gets home!" I swear this could be a
totally separate FOX show. I'm smelling spin-off here! I mean, really-
-exactly how many times CAN they repackage 90210 and just slap a new
title on it? I know, it's like asking how many licks it takes to get
to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Go ask Mr. Owl.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island:
Chloe (that's the chick at CTU that Jack yelled at last week, for
those who weren't paying attention) starts freaking out under the
pressure and Kim seeks advice from the lovelorn from Michelle.
And (whew) then, there was All the President's Men, in which Palmer
learned a shocking secret about Dr. Quinn his love-makin' medicine
woman. What was the shocking secret, you ask? We don't know because
it's contained inside a folder that he doesn't open until next week!
Be sure to tune in next week! So you can learn the shocking secret!
Like we weren't going to tune in next week anyway...
And, oh yeah...there was that bit with the Brother of Sleezi-zar. Am
I the only one who feels that this particular segment should be keyed
with the theme song from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly?" and why do
I keep expecting to see sub-titles running across the bottom of the
screen? Anyways, Claaaawdia and her dad exchange heated words which
leads to a confrontation between Claaaawdia and B.O.S. Then B.O.S.
slaps Claaaaawdia. Then Claaaawdia slaps him back. Then they kiss and
he tells her dinner will be served early. I just don't get Spaghetti
Westerns, man. Duh-du-du-duh-du--da-daw-daw...
So, after jumping all over the place tonight and after all the lovin'
and shootin' and gnashing of teeth, we end with a shocker! We witness
B.O.S. speaking with his contact guy--and the contact guy is
surrounded by all this super high-tech spy equipment. Viewscreens
showing various images INSIDE C.T.U. h.q. The contact walks out of
the room and it becomes apparent that this IS C.T.U. h.q.! The
contact guy talks to Kim. Kim tells him that she loves Chase. The
contact guy nods and walks on down the hallway! C.T.U. has been
infiltrated by the bad guys! Well, at least one of them.Duh-du-du-
duh-du--da-daw-daw!
Tune in next week when we find out more about who does and does not
love who or whom in "Day Three: 3 p.m. to 4 p.m." or "A Really,
Really, Really, Really Crappy Day in Orange County" in which we
learn Doc Quinn's terrible, terrible secret! She drives a Chevy? Till
next week, keep your feet on the coffee grounds but keep reaching for
the stairs! Later gators.

Tonight's episode... 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. OR: "Gettin' down with the
OCCs!"

Okay, tonight's episode just begs to be on the cover of a comic book
somewhere. Witness a stunning turn of events! See Jack fight his
inner demons! Watch Tony A., Agent of CTU rush to the rescue! And,
don't dare miss our SHOCKING FINAL SCENE! You won't believe your
eyes!


Tonight, on a very special episode of "24"...what do you do when your
child is secretly running drugs across the Mexican border, except it
isn't really drugs at all but rather a deadly virus that can wipe out
all of mankind? Can a father's love prevail.

Well, apparently not. Nor can a father's ass kicking. Tonight's
episode spends a lot of time with the OC clones (and yes, that WAS a
promo for OC at the end of tonight's "24"..wink, wink, nudge,
nudge...) as Kyle, the biggest idiot in the known universe, continues
his quest to deliver that bag of not-cocaine and complete the deal he
made with the Sleez-izars. Daddy finds out about it and they get into
a fight, Kyle runs away shouting stuff like "you don't understand"
and "you can't support this family" and more lines borrowed from
various episodes of Afterschool Specials.

He leaves the bag of not-cocaine behind and it's not long before the
CTU crew arrives on the scene. But first, we get a bit of the 'ol...

As the CTU Turns

Kim loves Chase. Chase loves Kim. Jack loves Kim, but not in an icky
incest-kinda way. You know, it's a father's love kinda' thing.
Anyways, it's the classic sidekick problem. He wants to be out there
fighting alongside his mentor and hero, but he can't because the hero
doesn't want to put the sidekick in danger. In this case, it's
because of all that aforementioned lovin'. Captain America doesn't
want to see little Bucky get hurt because Bucky is in love with Cap's
daughter. So, Bucky (aka Chase) gets left behind while Jack goes off
to fight the bad guys. SEE CHASE SULK!

And now, back to the action...

Jack leads a team of CTU agents to Kyle's house where Kyle's mom
(insert obligatory South Park reference here), the second stupidest
person in the known universe, proceeds to attempt to flush the not-
cocaine down the toilet. She doesn't quite succeed in that, but she
does APPARENTLY succeed in releasing the deadly world-ending virus.
This scene has everything excpet E.T. as government types in
protective suits swarm in to secure the hot zone. However, in one of
those pesky "24" plot twist thingies, it's soon revealed that this
isn't not-cocaine at all. It's not even regular cocaine. In fact, it
ain't squat. M-o-o-n, that spells "decoy."

Yep, Jack and company have been had but not for long. Jack, who has
teamed with new partner La Femme Nikita (who is now a bit older and
apparently some sort of microbiologist or something), quickly figures
out that Doctor Doom (aka Sleez-izar) has planted the virus in...da-
da-da-dum...a living host! Who is that host, you might ask? Who else
but...Kyle Singer?!?!

Meanwhile, back in Oz...

Doctor Doom strikes! Just as all good mega-villians do, Sleezi-zar
has a man on the inside. In this case it's a prison guard who Sleezi-
zar cons (heh, that's a little pun...heh) into choking the life out
of the federal agent that helped Jack nail him in the first place.
Geez, don't maximum security prisions have video monitors? One would
think, huh? Anyways, it turns out that ol' Doc Doom had kidnapped the
prison guard's child, thus forcing the guard into his murderous ways.
Sleezy agreed to release the guard's kid after the evil deed was
done. Anybody out there have a truck? Just wondered if anyone would
like to drive through this particular plot hole. After committing
murder, the guard walks casually down the hall, takes his coffee
break and ends his shift. Apparently he mentioned the murder to his
incoming replacement though.

"Oh, hey Ralph. Interesting shift today?"
"Hey Norton. Nah, not much. Killed that federal agent. You know, that
came up."
"Oh, yeah. For Doctor Doom?"
"Yeah, that's the one. You know, the one that had kidnapped and
threatened to kill my kid if I didn't go along with the whole murder
thing."
"Yeah, that's gotta be rough man. So, he lettin' the kid go?"
"Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally. Said he would get right on that."
"That's good. You want me to report the murder to the supervisor?"
"Nah, I'll take care of it on my way out. See ya, Norton."

Oh-kay, then. Meanwhile, the CTU agents do some very clever cell
phone tracking and locate Kyle the Virus-Carrying Idiot at the local
mall. Jack and Nikita have an ETA of twenty minutes, but Tony A.,
Agent of CTU! says he can fly the secret super agent helicopter there
in only ten. Jack tells him to take off, but no Chase. Despite
warnings from Crazy Chloe, Chase confronts Tony about being taken out
of the loop. Tony just sort of shrugs and explains to Chase that no
likes him. SEE CHASE SULK SOME MORE! Chase and Kim get into a bit of
a tiff, but it mostly seems to be an excuse for Chase to sulk. Not
nearly enough sulking where theat guy is concerned, nosiree bob.

Meanwhile, over on All the President's Men:

Not much out of the Palmer camp tonight. Palmer's brother continues
to advise and annoy. And the big, secret about Palmer's new sqeeze
Doc Quinn? She may have perjured herself under oath. THAT'S the big
secret that we waited a whole week to learn? She MAY have perjured
herself under oath???? Puh-leeeze. Bill Clinton says, "Nobody cares."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island:

We have some brief scenes with Clawdia and Sleez-izar Jr. But the big
news is...CTU has been totally infiltrated by bad guys! There are
double-agents all over the freakin' place!!! (That last bit? That
would be foreshadowing. Yes, foreshadowing...)

Down at the mall:

Tony A., Agent of CTU, leaps from his helicopter and rushes inside
the mall to confront Kyle the Virus-Carrying Idiot. Jack and Nikita
aren't very far behind and Nikita confronts Jack about the heroin
thing. Lot of confrontin' goin' on 'round here tonight. Jack says
he's kicked it and they leap from the A-Team van and rush inside the
mall to back up Tony.

Hey, remember those pesky "24" plot twist thingies? Remember those
double-agents all over the freakin' place? Well, the Inside Man has
an Inside Man At the Mall. Tony A. approaches Kyle I. and tries to
explain things to him. Tony tells Kyle how he's a secret federal
agent with a kewl secret base and a mondo-kewl helicopter and
explains how Kyle is a virus-carrying idiot who's going to destory
the human race if he doesn't hurry up and get his head out of
his...assasination attempt! Yes, just as Tony seems to be getting
through to Kyle the Man Inside the Mall approaches and...shoots Tony
right in the freakin' neck! Yes, anyone can die at any time! Well,
okay...Tony isn't dead but he IS horribly injured! Tony goes down!
Kyle runs away! Chase sulks! What's going to happen next?

Don't know, because that's the end of the ep for this week. Tune in
next week for 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. or "See Chase Sulk Some More!" in
which we witness Chase kick a tin garbage can and lament, "It just
isn't fair! I wanna be a superhero too!"

Tonight's Episode: 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. OR "Tremble At The Voice Of...Doom!"

The story so far: Doc "Sleezi-zar" Doom has won a major victory against the CTU Avengers.
While unleashing his dastardly virus-spreadin' plot in an effort to spring his 'bro Ramone from the big house, Doom arranged for one of his men to shoot Tony "Hawkeye" A. right in the neck, leaving Captain Jack America to deal with his surly kid parner Bucky Chase and more plot twists than you can shake a Glock .45 at; meanwhile, despite having to cope with the injury to fellow CTU Avenger and Hubby Hawkeye Tony, the Scarlett Witchelle opts to take over ops down at CTU hq.

You got all that? Let's recap:
Tony shot. Not dead, but not feeling too good either. Jack on his own, now partnerles and Michelle in charge at CTU.

Now then, we cut back to Avenger's Mansion...um, I mean CTU hq...to find Chloe (aka, "I swear to God if someone else doesn't smack this bitch down soon, I'm gonna climb thought my t.v. screen and do it myself!" but we'll just call her "bitch" for short...) attempting to be all assertive and stuff. It doesn't become her. Then again, nothing does. But I digress.

We're soon back on board with the main plot as a raspy, distorted voice echoes throughout CTU hq and the agents tremble at 'THE VOICE OF DOOM!" once again outlining his plot to spread the deadly virus! I know what you're thinking. "Where's the 'bwa-ha-ha-ha?' There's supposed to be a 'bwa-ha-ha-ha.'"

But then we cue the "As he CTU Turns" music and Kimbo Spawn of Captain Jack America and Bucky Chase, partner of Captain Jack America and love interest to Kimbo Spawn. We're all following the relationship paths okay here, right? Anyways, we waste a little time with that...Chase disobeys orders and heads down to Oz to beat up...um, I mean interogate Sleezi-zar, Brother of Doom (even though Jack earlier told him not to...)

We briefly cut away to the hospital where a Poor Man's George "It just doesn't get any easier!" Clooney is about to go to work on Tony A.

Then just as we think things are maybe about to get really interesting again, oh no--instead we cut away to THE STUPIDEST SUBPLOT EVER! But wait, what's that that Prez Palmer is telling his brother about having never given in to a black male?!?! Oh, BlackMAIL. Well, that just puts a whole new spin on things doesn't it?

Meanwhile, Jack contacts the Prez about tells him it's either release Sleez-izar or release the virus. Prez says he doesn't negotite with terrorists and prepares to evacuate L.A.

We then turn our attention to a VERY special presentation of "The ABC Afterschool Special" featuring "the kids from the OC" namely Kyle (the stupidest kid on the face of the Earth) Singer and his girlfriend Linda, the blonde bimbo. Kyle asks the question which has been on all our lips, "How stupid am I?" Well, I know that's a rhetorical question there, Kyle but I gotta say--pretty darned stupid, dude. Pretty darned stupid...I mean, it looks like you got the Kimbo beat in that department and that's a rare accomplishment...

Meanwhile, back on the other side of the island, the Prez learns that failing to release Sleezi-zar will doom 60 to 90 thousand registered voters to certain death, not to mention creating wide spread panic (and no, I don't mean the rock group...).

But it's okay, because Captain Jack, as usual--has a plan! (Cue Mission Impossible theme music...) Jack will single handely break Sleezi-zar out of prison and deliver him to his bro' down south. This way, there's Doc Doom gets what he wants and there's no appearance of dealing with nasty 'ol terrorists. But it's one of those things nobody can know about so Jack's all on his own and not even the Prez can help him once the ball gets rolling. The Prez more or less agrees and Captain Jack tells him (in the best line of the season so far), "This will be my final assignment..."

Is this Captain America's final mission?!? Has betrayed the very country he once loved?!? Don't miss our next exciting...no, wait...there's still like another half hour to go...

But just as things are really getting interesting here and Jack rushes off in the A-Team van to (okay, I know you've been waiting for it--say it with me here) "to do nothing less than single handeldy save the freakin' world!" what happens? We immediately switch back to "the stupidest subplot EVER" involving Presidential love squeeze Doc Quinn, government biz and the black male.

Meanwhile, back down at CTU hq, Chloe gets all sucko with Scarlett Witchelle and has a close encounter with "the mole," whose real name is a sort of unpronouncable guttural sound.

We then take a quick trip down south of the border to the secret hideout of Doc Doom and his love muffin' Clawdia. We don't really know much about Sleez-izar Doom other than he appears to be a total psycho and he's the president of the Edward James Olmos fan club.
Doc Sleezy D. spends some quality time with Clawdia's little bro, teaching him how to shoot the Glock .45 and blow up valuable vases. Clawdia gets miffed and Doc Sleezy D. makes a point of showing us just how much of a psycho he can be.

We leave this mildy interesting sub-plot to return, yet again--to the stupidest subplot ever, where we pick up with Prez Palmer (the dude who was gonna skip out on dealing with terrorists and condemn 90K peopel to horrible death just to prove a point) telling Doc Quinn all about how their are "no absolutes" in this crazy, mixed-up life.

Anyway. Um, let's see. Talk. Talk. More talk. Um, something about blackmail again. Paying it off to protect her. Yada yada yada. So, he's gonna pay off these guys so they won't tell that she may have perjured herself under oath in order to put her crooked ex-husband in jail..I think...but then she explains to him the error of his ways...he sees the light...but only after sending his brother, money in tow, to pay off the informant in a parking garage...okay, all you really need to know is that the Prez called it all off at the last minute and at the Prez's urging the black male bails out on the black mail. Or, um...something. Nobody cares.

Back to As the CTU Turns, where the Junior CTU Avengers have conspired to spell Michelle for a bit so she can go hang out with her injured hubby, but she shoots 'em down. What I want to know is how did BOTH Crazy Chloe AND the Mole Man get to be members of the Junior CTU Avengers? By the way, did I mention that the Mole Man's real name is a sort of unpronounceable guttural sound? Maybe he's really an alien?

And speaking of aliens, I think we skipped the part where Enemy Agents captured Kyle and Linda and spirited them away to one of the leftover X-Files sets, where they were locked in a presumably virus-proof tank. Kyle, the human puss bomb. Boy that's gonna look good on a resume, huh?

Anyhoo...Cap Jack has a tender moment with Spawn. She reveals that Bucky Chase has defied orders and gone to the prison where Sleezi-zar, Brother of Doc Sleezy D. is being held. Chase cops an attitude with Jack and puts the "sercet plan" in danger.

Bucky Chase beats the crap out of Sleezi-zar down at the Mayberry Jail, but Cap Jack soon shows up for the inevitable mentor/sidekick showdown. Jack totally kicks hase's ass as just as things are _really_ getting good...

Back, ONCE AGAIN, to the stupidest subplot ever featuring...a lot of totally pointless prattling diaglogue between Doc Quinn and the President's Brother. You know, with these guys around Chloe is really starting to grow on me a little bit...but anyway, we get...some talking...some more talking...trust...don't trust...my lover...my brother...something about the President...yada, yada, yada. Nobody cares.

Finally, we get back to the REAL plot, where Cap Jack makes off with Sleez-zar while leaving Chase tied up in Sleezy's old cell. With a little help from the warden, Chase gets free and totally blows Jack's cover. Stupid sidekick.

But Jack's not done. Cap Jack plays his ace and forces a guard to open all the prison cells. The prison goes into lockdown but it's too late, Jack has insitigated a prison riot in the Wonderful World of Oz.

Boy, them Duke boys sure has got themselves in a pickle this time...

All this and "the Mole" is still on the prowl down at CTU! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!

Tune in next week for "5 p.m. to 6 p.m." OR: "We're off to see the Wizard, but we best not drop the soap!"

Hey Rocky, wanna see me pull a rabit outta my...

Original von Yvonne
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Original von Yvonne
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